The Missing piece of Allyship - reflections from international womens day

Real allyship isn’t just about offering advice. It’s about using your influence to actively advocate for others.

As we wrap up another International Women’s Day season, I’ve been reflecting on the conversations that took center stage - on panels, in the networking room and with some of my closest female friends who shared IWD-debriefing conversations with me. Male allyship was a major theme on panels, and rightfully so. Many men in leadership are stepping up, speaking about women when they’re not in the room, and using their influence to advocate for their female colleagues. I'm someone who benefits from male allies and I thank them wholeheartedly.

But what about women-to-women allyship? That’s where the conversation often goes quiet.

Because sometimes, it’s not men who are the brick walls - it’s other women.

The Quiet Gatekeeping of the Queen Bee

We celebrate women supporting women, but what about when they don’t?

Some women who’ve climbed the ranks don’t throw down a rope or build a staircase for others to follow. Instead, they defend their space and see rising women as competition.

This form of gatekeeping shows up in subtle but damaging ways:

• Withholding information about opportunities. A Queen Bee may know about a leadership role, a board seat, or a speaking opportunity, but she won’t share it. Because if another woman takes that spot, what happens to her?

• Performative mentorship. A Queen Bee will mentor other women, but only those who aren’t a threat. Once a rising woman ascends to a certain level, the support stops, or worse, the subtle undermining begins.

• Controlling who gets recognized. A Queen Bee will celebrate another woman’s success, but only if she can take credit for it. If the success happens outside her influence, she stays silent.

• Deciding who ‘deserves’ to rise. The Queen Bee positions herself as the gatekeeper, not just for opportunities, but of worthiness. She chooses who gets access to the honeypot, who gets visibility, and who is left struggling alone.

• Hoarding the spotlight. Look at the panels and keynotes at major industry events. You’ll often see the same women trotted out year after year, saying the same things. Why?Because Queen Bees don’t hand off the mic.

They don’t coach or uplift other women to step into those speaking roles. Instead, they hold onto visibility as another form of power, ensuring that no one else gets to step into that space.

"Success isn’t a "Limited Edition" - more for me doesn’t mean less for you" - Me

Here’s the truth: Success isn’t a pie. More for someone else doesn’t mean less for you.

Visibility isn’t finite. Influence isn’t finite. Leadership isn’t finite.

"Success is Wi-Fi! Just because more people connect doesn’t mean your access weakens. The signal is strong enough for everyone, but only if we stop acting like there’s a password-protected network with limited spots." - Me

The women who understand this - the ones who freely share opportunities, insights, and platforms - they are the ones who truly move the needle on equity.

The scarcity mindset that fuels Queen Bee behavior is outdated. It’s time we replace it with a culture of expansion, inclusion, and collective success.

A Personal Story: When the Gatekeepers Come Knocking

“To those two women outside directors on a panel in 2012 speaking about being on boards, well, no thanks to you for not sharing information, for withholding the pathway to the boardroom door.” - Me

Because here’s the thing: I didn’t get here because you made space; I got here despite the silence.

But funny how life works, isn’t it?

Fast forward ten years, and one of you came to me, full of “admiration” for my presence in the world, my online brand, my visibility. You told me you had nothing like I had to tap into now you were about to retire and that you’d love my advice on how I built it so you could emulate what I do.

And here’s the difference between us:

• I believe in sharing, not hoarding.

• I believe in lifting, not gatekeeping.

• I believe in creating opportunities, not quietly blocking access to them.

So that's why I gave you the advice when you asked me. I gave some of the honey from my honeypot to you. The same kind of guidance you withheld from me a decade ago.

I wonder if you realized it was me you once closed the door on.

The Surprising Difference: Corporate vs. Entrepreneurial Women

Here’s what I also realized: It wasn’t women in entrepreneurship who closed doors on me. Quite the opposite.

After that experience 10 years ago, it wasn't until I started my own business, two years later (now eight years ago), that I found that women who were already in their own businesses, in startups, in entrepreneurship - they all bent over backwards to help. They made introductions, shared knowledge, gave guidance, and showed genuine support. They understood that lifting others up doesn’t take away from their own success; it multiplies it. They gave me multiple spoons to dip into the honeypot. Thank you to them.

But when I was in corporate roles, it was the corporate women higher up the ranks guarding the honeypot. The ones who had carved out a rare place in boardrooms and executive teams who seemed somehow unable to help. The ones who played by an old script that seemed to say, if I had to struggle, so should you.

A year later, (now 7 years ago) I was fortunate to come across one woman who was different and who shared the first few clues on the map to the honeypot spoon and so I thank her for allowing me to understand that such wonderful generous women in high up the ranks roles do exist, and it is these rare gems that hold an abundance mindset and are willing to share the road to what they have.

Acknowledging the Women Who Paved the Way

To the women who fought their way into boardrooms, who battled the system, who survived hostile workplaces to claim their seat at the table, I want to say thank you.

You fought to get there when the odds were stacked against you. You didn’t just climb the ladder; you built one out of scraps and nailed it together with grit, resilience, and sheer force of will.

But here’s the thing ... the path you took is now overgrown with brush and vines. Those women coming up behind you can’t see through to the other side, and they don’t have the tools handed down to cut through the branches and find their way.

That’s where women need you now. Not just as symbols of perseverance, but as active architects of the future. Not just as figures of inspiration, but as women who reach back and pull others forward.

And if your tools are a bit rusty, or you tossed them away when you reached the end of the path, you still have yourself! Your hands! Your arms! Your strength! Your voice! You don’t need a machete or a map. You just need the willingness to turn around, reach back, and help clear the way.

Because no woman should have to fight the same battles you already won.

Allyship is about sharing power, not defending it

If we want our panels and the people in all the rooms we are in, to talk about true allyship, from both men and women, we need to move beyond performative gestures and into real advocacy. That means:

• Sponsoring, not just mentoring. A mentor gives advice. A sponsor opens doors, unscrews the lid o the honeypot and gives you a spoon to dip in. Be the person who puts the spoon in the hand of another woman. Put her name forward when opportunities arise.

• Calling out gatekeeping. If you notice a pattern where only certain women are getting access to the honeypot, challenge it. Visibility shouldn’t be controlled by one person’s approval.

• Amplifying achievements without expectation. Celebrate other women’s wins! Especially when you had nothing to do with them.

"Because allyship isn’t about keeping your seat warm and your nest feathered! It’s about helping others find the feathers to build their own nest. It’s about handing over the instruction book so they know how to build it, and sometimes, it’s about getting off your warm seat so that someone left out in the cold can take over." - Me

True leadership isn’t about clinging to what you’ve built. It’s about passing it on so others can build, too.

• If you organize events, run panels, or select speakers, take a hard look at your lineup.

• Are you defaulting to the same women over and over because they’re comfortable, known names? Or are you actively finding, mentoring, and giving the stage to rising women?

• True leadership means knowing when it’s time to step back and make space for others.

The Takeaway: IWD isn’t just about one day. It’s about a mindset shift

International Women’s Day comes once a year, but the real test of allyship happens in the small, everyday moments. It’s in the meetings, the emails, the conversations that happen when no one is watching and where you don't get credit for what you do.

So here’s my challenge:

🚀 If you’re in a position of power, ask yourself: are you truly advocating for other women, or just the ones who don’t challenge your space?

🚀 If you know about an opportunity, are you withholding it or passing it along?

🚀 If you see another woman’s success, are you lifting her up or staying quiet?

This is why I speak up about allyship. Not just for men supporting women, but for women actively advocating for other women, not withholding opportunities, not subtly gatekeeping, not choosing who ‘deserves’ to rise.

"Because real allyship isn’t about making space, it’s about sharing the space. It's about sharing the honey from the honeypot." - Me

I want us to break the cycle. I want us to change the conversation. I want us to make sure that the next, and the next, and the next generation of women, never have to fight each other for a seat at the table.

"Because if we don’t all have a spoon to dip in the honeypot, we aren’t just failing ourselves, we are failing the women coming up behind us." - Me

Who's next on your list to receive honeypot spoons?

Who are you connecting to your WiFi hotspot?

💬 Have you ever encountered gatekeeping in your career? Let’s talk!

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I’m a lawyer, board member, podcaster, coach, and advocate for women in leadership and governance. I host the Lawyer on Air Podcast Podcast | Japan's Top Legal Careers Podcast, Japan’s #1 podcast for legal careers in Japan, where I bring you award-winning insights and inspirational inside stories about working in law as a woman in Japan. Whether you’re aspiring to build a career here or already practicing, this is your go-to guide for navigating Japan’s legal landscape.

I draw on real-life stories from the podcast, my coaching, and my boardroom experience to share insights on emerging trends in the legal market, what it takes to earn a seat on a Japanese corporate board, and how to thrive - both personally and professionally - in this world.